No Small Task!

I am so stinkin proud of myself right now, I can barely contain my excitement. For the first time in my life (at least that I can remember), I took a step back from my "in the moment" craving, and made the rational decision to not give in. This might not seem to be monumental, theoretically, but for me it is huge. Usually when I have a craving, there is a very minimal inner battle, and evil always triumphs. I will talk myself into giving in, convincing myself that, "I don't have time to make a healthier option," "it's okay, I'm stressed, I don't eat like this all the time," or the ever-popular, "I'll just start over tomorrow." Not today. Today, I took a step back, and rationalized.

I wanted spaghetti for lunch, and I found 1,001 reasons why it would be okay to have it. And to be honest, I knew I wouldn't stop at one portion. I'm Italian. Measuring spaghetti is not something that is common to me. At least not in the traditional sense of eating 1 cup of spaghetti. Usually, the serving size is a "plate-ful." Knowing that this would end up being the case again, I asked myself why I wanted spaghetti. Well, I needed energy, so the carbs would help with that. I have leftover meat sauce in the fridge. Tonight's dinner is homemade pizza, so I will get to have that later anyway. It is my go-to comfort food. And then I paused. What exactly do I need comfort food for today?? There is absolutely nothing stressful going on. It is a beautiful day. My one-year-old is in a great mood (a rarity these days- thanks teeth!), the house is clean. So why do I feel a need to eat to satisfy some sort of void? And why in the world did I ever consider that okay to begin with?

So the answers that I came up with to all of these questions: ENOUGH. Food does not define me. Food does not control me. It exists to fuel my body, and that is all. Just because it is in the fridge, pantry, vending machine, wherever it happens to be, does not mean I have to eat it. It has taken 28 years to come to this realization, and I must say, it feels absolutely amazing!! Food: 0, Denise-1!

Bye Bye Booze- originally posted 10/16/11

I was doing so well with blogging, and then came the weekend! In my defense, we had company basically all weekend, and it would have been rude to be on the computer, but in reality, I really didn't have much to say. Now as I find myself being tortured by my husband watching the Giants game (ugh, is it February yet??), I have some free time to write.

My eating this weekend wasn't catastrophic, but it wasn't 100% responsible either. I have found that when I have a drink or two, I tend to overeat. For some reason, I seem to justiyfy to myself that good wine (or fancy-mixed-cocktail on the menu) needs to be accompanied by "good" food. I put "good" in quotations because once I have that drink, my definition of the word "good" changes from my usual, level-headed defintion of good food as nutritious, to my old-college-days definition of good food as "tastes good because of all of the crap in it." I don't believe that this is even a result of alcohol influencing my judgment, as I usually order my first drink and my meal at the same time. Rather, I think it has a lot to do with that mentality of "kicking back" and having a drink, so in my mind, I don't have to be as responsible about my eating, either.

So my decision for today? Until my mind can wrap itself around how illogical this way of thinking is, alcohol is now off the table, too, regardless of the quantity. Disclaimer: this new rule entirely excludes Thanksgiving and Christmas, as those days are, and always will be a lost cause for logic standing any chance of getting in my way on my quest to the food and booze :)

Extremes- Originally posted 10/13/11

I have to admit that I am struggling a bit with extremes in regard to eating. I feel like when I am not tracking my food in some way, I am completely out of control, ignoring good choices, and eating straight garbage. However, when I follow a tracking program, whether it is when I was on Weight Watchers, or now with Sparkpeople, I obsess over every single calorie, gram of fat, and carb. It's like I don't want to "waste" my allowance throughout the day, or I fear that I will go over it too early and be hungry later. I don't know what it is, but I get inside my own head and end up not meeting my minimums.

Today I ate 748 calories! That is nowhere near enough, and yet I felt like I was eating all day. Looking back at my food log, it wasn't even 748 calories of healthy food. It wasn't necessarily unhealthy, but it was more bites of everything here and there, with a grand finale of a Smart Ones for dinner! What is wrong with me?? Why is it always one extreme or the other? I either eat to the point of feeling sick if I'm not tracking, or undereat by a landslide, if I am. I need to improve my relationship with food. I think that food and I need couples therapy, big time.

My First Sparkpeople Blog- 10/10/11

I have been on Sparkpeople for awhile, but have not been entirely consistent with tracking everything and staying accountable. I am hopeful that in deciding to blog, it will be a daily accountability report. I do not want to let potential readers know that I have failed; I would much rather have only good things to report. I also have a deep love of writing. It is cathartic for me. I am the type of person who bottles everything inside, until I overreact and explode in a big, messy ball of tears over something as simple as a broken nail. Writing has always helped me to manage my emotions in a way that is just a touch healthier than the method previously described. It is my release.

I will happily take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but never want to share my burdens with anyone. This more often than not leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. What do I usually do when I am overwhelmed? I eat. And I eat A LOT. I would not go so far as to say I have an eating disorder, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater, and have been ever since my parents divorced, and as a four-year-old, I was given cookies, ice cream, and anything else laden with sugar to "make me feel better." This has to stop, and the only way for it to stop is to hold myself accountable. So why now?

There are many reasons for wanting to lose weight, but two that completely dominate my desire. The first reason is ridiculously superficial, shallow, and selfish. I have my ten year high school reunion coming up at the end of November. I went to a very small school, with the same peers from Kindergarten through senior year. For the majority of that time, I was overweight, and for a time, I was "the" fat girl. I want to look good for this reunion. I want to have something impressive to offer. Yes, I have graduate with both undergraduate and graduate degrees, but I currently stay home with my daughter. I have no real "job" outside of the house. I am so proud of my daughter, I can't even express it in words, and I am not even the least bit embarrassed to tell people that I stay home with her, but I don't want people to think that I am one of those people who just got married and then "let myself go."

If it wasn't this shallow reason though, I'm sure it would be another. I have had so many of these shallow goals, and never met any of them, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of it. It's always wanting to be skinny for an event. "I will lose weight for my wedding," "I need to look good in a bathing suit for this trip," blah, blah, blah. Enough is enough.

The other reason for wanting to lose weight is one that I pray will be the motivation that I need. My daughter just recently turned a year old, and I realized that the best gift that I can give her is a healthy mother. She was born 5 weeks early as a result of my being pre-eclamptic. With pre-eclampsia comes an increased risk of heart disease. My family has a history of obesity and heart disease, and coupled with the pre-eclampsia, this past year has scared the hell out of me. I need to take care of myself and make sure that my heart stays in good shape. My grandfather died in his 50s of a heart attack. I never met him. I want to watch my daughter get married, start her career, have babies. I need to be here for all of it, and if I neglect my health, that will not happen.

So my wish is that this blog is the beginning of commitment and accountability for me. Happy reading!

Come on in!!

Well, here we are, up and blogging! I started blogging on Sparkpeople and seemed to get a good response, so I thought that maybe I would take my journey global, so to speak. This blog is the chronical of my weight loss journey. Had I started writing when my journey began, there would probably be about eighteen years worth of posts to read. My weight loss struggle has been life-long. There are lots of things to 'fess up to just in this introduction alone. I am an emotional eater (soon to be reformed, God willing). I have been lazy and full of excuses about losing weight. I have tried every method under the sun to lose weight, both healthy and unhealthy. Yes, I have tried diet pills with much (temporary) success. I gained all of that back, plus some. I have had success with Weight Watchers, but can't bring myself to spend money on something for myself when we have overwhelming expenses that come along with raising a family. If money weren't so tight, then I would one thousand percent be following that path again. However, since we simply cannot afford it right now, I have had to resort to alternative methods, which (knock on wood) have been working great! Three websites have been absolute godsends for me in this newest and hopefully last "do-over" for weight loss.

First has been Sparkpeople. The tracking tools, spark points, and general support of the site have been wonderful. I actually enjoy tracking my food and exercise, earning spark points, and checking off each daily goal that I meet. The fact that the blog on the website has inspired me to start a blog on a larger scale speaks for itself, I believe. My favorite part, by far, has been the cost of the site. I am the bargain hunter of the century. I aspire to be like the extreme couponers. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I LOVE a great deal. The monthly cost for all of these wonderful tools? Zero dollars. No pesos! Zilch euros! It is absolutely free. Ya' can't beat that!

Another site that I absolutely love, love, love, and cannot say enough wonderful things about has been Skinnytaste! I have made a ton of recipes from this site and never, ever made one thing that wasn't completely delicious. I hosted an entire Christmas Eve for 15 people with recipes created by Gina, the genius behind this blog, and received more compliments than any other Christmas Eve that I had hosted. I should mention that I host every year. I love the use of fresh ingredients without many processed foods, and the incredible taste achieved in each recipe. In a word, scrumptious!

Finally, Emilybites...ooh, where do I begin? Although I am a bit newer to this blog than to Skinnytaste, I have an equal amount of love for these delicious recipes! I turn to this blog when I feel a need to be "bad," but don't want to regret my choices. There are so many of my personal comfort foods represented in Emily's cooking that I can often indulge my cravings without the "buyer's remorse," so to speak. There have been many times (most often during a certain week of the month) when Emily's recipes have prevented me from getting into my car and hitting a drive-thru so that I can get that sinful food tastiness. If I had to summarize Emily's blog, it would be the sinful taste, minus the calories.

In closing, I hope that in addition to serving as catharsis for me, my blog can inspire others to stay the course, whatever their individual course may be. I know how difficult weight loss is firsthand, and that it is undeniably a commitment to a lifestyle change that will produce the most effective and permanent results. If you're reading this, then just know that we are in this together.

Health & Happiness to all :)