Snow, Halloween, and a New-Found Love

Well, since the last post, there has been good, bad, and ugly. I always like to get the bad news out of the way first, so let me 'fess up. I faltered a little bit over this past weekend. I drank some calories (between soda and liquor), which I never allow myself to do. I didn't track. At all. I didn't exercise, at all. I ate fast food at a birthday party (yes, I am hanging my head in shame). I consider this a stumble, but not a fall. Why? Because I am back up and at it, with my resolve stronger than ever. And because it was really only one day that I was a horrible wretch, coupled with a few days when I was less than perfect.

The ugly? On Saturday, OCTOBER 29th, in the great city of New York, it snowed! This did not effect my weight loss journey, but I have to admit that the implication that we are in for a rough winter has shaken my psyche a bit. With our co-op on the market, I fear that people will be hesitant to really move during this winter, since such an early storm might indicate we are in for a rough one. Let me clarify by saying that I love our apartment. Truly, I do. We have decorated, and personalized, and built memories. This was our first home together. We've had Christmases here. We brought our daughter home from the hospital to this apartment.

But, let's be honest. We are two adults, a little doggie, and an ever-growing toddler. We have also outgrown. It makes me sad that I have to think of what to buy my daughter for Christmas in terms of what we have space for rather than what Santa and I feel she should have. What does any of this have to do with staying the course and losing weight? Well, frankly, everything and nothing all at the same time. The root of it is that it is affecting me emotionally, and I have quite the history of being an emotional eater. However, I think that I've found a new outlet, in addition to blogging, into which I can channel my feelings and energy.

Which brings us to the good: Kickboxing! Where have you been all my life??!? I have to say, I am not the girl who likes to work up a sweat. I cannot stand to feel sweat dripping anywhere. But, I On-Demanded (yes I just made a new verb) a kickboxing video a few days ago, on a whim, and I am hooked. Aside from being forever indebted to the On-Demand function, I don't understand how I have overlooked this exercise for so long. It's better than Zumba, and I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about anything besides sex and chocolate! I have been researching in the area, and came across a class that is advertised as 3 classes for $19.99, which seems a little too good to be true, given the fact that this is New York, but I will call tomorrow and find out for sure.

So, although I have been absent, for which I apologize, I am back, stronger than ever, and re-motivated, thanks to my new-found love. I hope all of your journeys continue to generally move forward, even if you have to take a tiny step back. Feel free to message me if you want to chat or bounce around ideas at denised519@aol.com

Wanting to Expand As I Shrink

As I write my posts, both on Sparkpeople, and on here, I find myself wanting to find ways to spread the word about my blog. I am so excited about this renewed effort, and the seeming success that I have been having, that I want to share the story and the journey with as many people as possible. I feel that this time it is truly different, and although I can't put my finger on why that is the case, I am thanking God. All of the times I have gotten frustrated with myself, and thought, "What is wrong with me," seem to make sense now. Finally, finally, I decided to start this quest when I was actually ready.

I am in the very initial phases of my journey. It is far from over, but for the first time during my many attempts, I feel hopeful and excited. Usually by this point, about two or three weeks into recommitting, I have broken my resolve and fallen back into old patterns. If it, by some miracle, has not yet reached that point, then at the very least I have started to burn out. That is not the case this time, and I am thrilled. I continue to attack each day head-on. I truly believe that my daughter is the driving force behind this.

I look at her every day and just can't imagine missing out on a second of day with her. I want to get healthy. I need to be healthy for this gift that has been given to me. I do not want her to be the kid at the playground whose mom can't chase her around. I don't want anything less than the absolute best for her. It is about so much more than the outward appearance. I need to feel better, inside and out. I need to bring in groceries without running out of breath. I need to do the 30 Day Jump Start without feeling like I am going to die. Ten minutes of exercise should not be having that effect on a 28-year-old.

But everything is one step, one day at a time. I find that each day that I stick to it, I am actually a lot happier. I am, in fact, the key to my own happiness, and I am so grateful that I have finally gotten control over my own life. Time to start living.

I Used to Be Fat...

The title still makes me cringe, but I find myself fascinated by this show. I have a ton of admiration for the teens who take part. For those who are unfamiliar with the show, which airs on Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on MTV, it is based on the premise that overweight teens who want to lose weight dedicate a summer to losing a load of weight, while eating healthy and exercising rigorously. Often (if not always?), the challenge takes place the summer before these teens are set to begin college, suggesting that they use college as their fresh start. I can just imagine the dedication it takes to spend your last potential summer of relaxing with friends and being kids, instead focused on losing weight.

I do have to commend the efforts of both the teens and their trainers. The show is definitely less militant than The Biggest Loser, but I still watch and have to wonder how realistic of a path these teens are put on during the summer. These teens often do not work, do not seem to spend time with friends, and have no other responsibilities aside from focusing on losing weight (with the exception of one teen who I saw on the first season who worked). What I am always left wondering is, what happens when these kids go to college? Sure, they are training their brains to make healthier choices, but they are still away at college. Crappy food, for the most part, is unfortunately cheaper. They have also spent an entire summer, with the support of a trainer, focused on losing weight and nothing else. How do they maintain the eating, the workouts, and the determination when faced with the new challenge of living away from home for the first time, taking college courses, and building new friendships?

Maybe I am just not comprehending how they do this because I have just recently found my determination to lose this weight. I envy their willpower and ability to commit at such a young age. Here I sit, ten years older than this kids, and wish that I had decided to make the change when they did. Better late than never!

No Small Task!

I am so stinkin proud of myself right now, I can barely contain my excitement. For the first time in my life (at least that I can remember), I took a step back from my "in the moment" craving, and made the rational decision to not give in. This might not seem to be monumental, theoretically, but for me it is huge. Usually when I have a craving, there is a very minimal inner battle, and evil always triumphs. I will talk myself into giving in, convincing myself that, "I don't have time to make a healthier option," "it's okay, I'm stressed, I don't eat like this all the time," or the ever-popular, "I'll just start over tomorrow." Not today. Today, I took a step back, and rationalized.

I wanted spaghetti for lunch, and I found 1,001 reasons why it would be okay to have it. And to be honest, I knew I wouldn't stop at one portion. I'm Italian. Measuring spaghetti is not something that is common to me. At least not in the traditional sense of eating 1 cup of spaghetti. Usually, the serving size is a "plate-ful." Knowing that this would end up being the case again, I asked myself why I wanted spaghetti. Well, I needed energy, so the carbs would help with that. I have leftover meat sauce in the fridge. Tonight's dinner is homemade pizza, so I will get to have that later anyway. It is my go-to comfort food. And then I paused. What exactly do I need comfort food for today?? There is absolutely nothing stressful going on. It is a beautiful day. My one-year-old is in a great mood (a rarity these days- thanks teeth!), the house is clean. So why do I feel a need to eat to satisfy some sort of void? And why in the world did I ever consider that okay to begin with?

So the answers that I came up with to all of these questions: ENOUGH. Food does not define me. Food does not control me. It exists to fuel my body, and that is all. Just because it is in the fridge, pantry, vending machine, wherever it happens to be, does not mean I have to eat it. It has taken 28 years to come to this realization, and I must say, it feels absolutely amazing!! Food: 0, Denise-1!