I have been on Sparkpeople for awhile, but have not been entirely consistent with tracking everything and staying accountable. I am hopeful that in deciding to blog, it will be a daily accountability report. I do not want to let potential readers know that I have failed; I would much rather have only good things to report. I also have a deep love of writing. It is cathartic for me. I am the type of person who bottles everything inside, until I overreact and explode in a big, messy ball of tears over something as simple as a broken nail. Writing has always helped me to manage my emotions in a way that is just a touch healthier than the method previously described. It is my release.
I will happily take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but never want to share my burdens with anyone. This more often than not leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. What do I usually do when I am overwhelmed? I eat. And I eat A LOT. I would not go so far as to say I have an eating disorder, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater, and have been ever since my parents divorced, and as a four-year-old, I was given cookies, ice cream, and anything else laden with sugar to "make me feel better." This has to stop, and the only way for it to stop is to hold myself accountable. So why now?
There are many reasons for wanting to lose weight, but two that completely dominate my desire. The first reason is ridiculously superficial, shallow, and selfish. I have my ten year high school reunion coming up at the end of November. I went to a very small school, with the same peers from Kindergarten through senior year. For the majority of that time, I was overweight, and for a time, I was "the" fat girl. I want to look good for this reunion. I want to have something impressive to offer. Yes, I have graduate with both undergraduate and graduate degrees, but I currently stay home with my daughter. I have no real "job" outside of the house. I am so proud of my daughter, I can't even express it in words, and I am not even the least bit embarrassed to tell people that I stay home with her, but I don't want people to think that I am one of those people who just got married and then "let myself go."
If it wasn't this shallow reason though, I'm sure it would be another. I have had so many of these shallow goals, and never met any of them, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of it. It's always wanting to be skinny for an event. "I will lose weight for my wedding," "I need to look good in a bathing suit for this trip," blah, blah, blah. Enough is enough.
The other reason for wanting to lose weight is one that I pray will be the motivation that I need. My daughter just recently turned a year old, and I realized that the best gift that I can give her is a healthy mother. She was born 5 weeks early as a result of my being pre-eclamptic. With pre-eclampsia comes an increased risk of heart disease. My family has a history of obesity and heart disease, and coupled with the pre-eclampsia, this past year has scared the hell out of me. I need to take care of myself and make sure that my heart stays in good shape. My grandfather died in his 50s of a heart attack. I never met him. I want to watch my daughter get married, start her career, have babies. I need to be here for all of it, and if I neglect my health, that will not happen.
So my wish is that this blog is the beginning of commitment and accountability for me. Happy reading!
I will happily take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but never want to share my burdens with anyone. This more often than not leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. What do I usually do when I am overwhelmed? I eat. And I eat A LOT. I would not go so far as to say I have an eating disorder, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater, and have been ever since my parents divorced, and as a four-year-old, I was given cookies, ice cream, and anything else laden with sugar to "make me feel better." This has to stop, and the only way for it to stop is to hold myself accountable. So why now?
There are many reasons for wanting to lose weight, but two that completely dominate my desire. The first reason is ridiculously superficial, shallow, and selfish. I have my ten year high school reunion coming up at the end of November. I went to a very small school, with the same peers from Kindergarten through senior year. For the majority of that time, I was overweight, and for a time, I was "the" fat girl. I want to look good for this reunion. I want to have something impressive to offer. Yes, I have graduate with both undergraduate and graduate degrees, but I currently stay home with my daughter. I have no real "job" outside of the house. I am so proud of my daughter, I can't even express it in words, and I am not even the least bit embarrassed to tell people that I stay home with her, but I don't want people to think that I am one of those people who just got married and then "let myself go."
If it wasn't this shallow reason though, I'm sure it would be another. I have had so many of these shallow goals, and never met any of them, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of it. It's always wanting to be skinny for an event. "I will lose weight for my wedding," "I need to look good in a bathing suit for this trip," blah, blah, blah. Enough is enough.
The other reason for wanting to lose weight is one that I pray will be the motivation that I need. My daughter just recently turned a year old, and I realized that the best gift that I can give her is a healthy mother. She was born 5 weeks early as a result of my being pre-eclamptic. With pre-eclampsia comes an increased risk of heart disease. My family has a history of obesity and heart disease, and coupled with the pre-eclampsia, this past year has scared the hell out of me. I need to take care of myself and make sure that my heart stays in good shape. My grandfather died in his 50s of a heart attack. I never met him. I want to watch my daughter get married, start her career, have babies. I need to be here for all of it, and if I neglect my health, that will not happen.
So my wish is that this blog is the beginning of commitment and accountability for me. Happy reading!
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