Snow, Halloween, and a New-Found Love

Well, since the last post, there has been good, bad, and ugly. I always like to get the bad news out of the way first, so let me 'fess up. I faltered a little bit over this past weekend. I drank some calories (between soda and liquor), which I never allow myself to do. I didn't track. At all. I didn't exercise, at all. I ate fast food at a birthday party (yes, I am hanging my head in shame). I consider this a stumble, but not a fall. Why? Because I am back up and at it, with my resolve stronger than ever. And because it was really only one day that I was a horrible wretch, coupled with a few days when I was less than perfect.

The ugly? On Saturday, OCTOBER 29th, in the great city of New York, it snowed! This did not effect my weight loss journey, but I have to admit that the implication that we are in for a rough winter has shaken my psyche a bit. With our co-op on the market, I fear that people will be hesitant to really move during this winter, since such an early storm might indicate we are in for a rough one. Let me clarify by saying that I love our apartment. Truly, I do. We have decorated, and personalized, and built memories. This was our first home together. We've had Christmases here. We brought our daughter home from the hospital to this apartment.

But, let's be honest. We are two adults, a little doggie, and an ever-growing toddler. We have also outgrown. It makes me sad that I have to think of what to buy my daughter for Christmas in terms of what we have space for rather than what Santa and I feel she should have. What does any of this have to do with staying the course and losing weight? Well, frankly, everything and nothing all at the same time. The root of it is that it is affecting me emotionally, and I have quite the history of being an emotional eater. However, I think that I've found a new outlet, in addition to blogging, into which I can channel my feelings and energy.

Which brings us to the good: Kickboxing! Where have you been all my life??!? I have to say, I am not the girl who likes to work up a sweat. I cannot stand to feel sweat dripping anywhere. But, I On-Demanded (yes I just made a new verb) a kickboxing video a few days ago, on a whim, and I am hooked. Aside from being forever indebted to the On-Demand function, I don't understand how I have overlooked this exercise for so long. It's better than Zumba, and I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about anything besides sex and chocolate! I have been researching in the area, and came across a class that is advertised as 3 classes for $19.99, which seems a little too good to be true, given the fact that this is New York, but I will call tomorrow and find out for sure.

So, although I have been absent, for which I apologize, I am back, stronger than ever, and re-motivated, thanks to my new-found love. I hope all of your journeys continue to generally move forward, even if you have to take a tiny step back. Feel free to message me if you want to chat or bounce around ideas at denised519@aol.com

Some Technical Difficulties

Well this week has definitely not been the best. I was without Internet for a couple of days, stayed at my mother's which contributes to making bad choices, and have just been dealing with some stress in my personal life. Don't get me wrong, with the exception of Wednesday, which was just a cluster-eff of bad decisions, I stayed on the right path this week, even though I didn't track. I am not feeling discouraged about weight loss nearly as much as I am about other issues going on at the moment.

Our tiny 2-bedroom co-op has been on the market since July. We are expecting our first snow in southern New York this weekend, and I am feeling very, very down about the fact that we are still living here. We have no space here. I can't even fathom where a Christmas tree is going to go in this apartment, if the realtor even green lights one at all, seeing as it's a "personal touch," and God forbid we have any of those in the home that we're still living in. I'm just sick to death of living here. We have no room for anything, I can't get my daughter anything substantial for Christmas, because there is nowhere to put it. Currently, we are in an outerborough of New York City. We are looking to move twenty minutes north to the suburbs. Ever since we made this decision, I have signed onto Facebook countless times to see my husband's friends trash-talking about how I am dragging him to a "foreign land," away from his friends, and turning him into a "herb" (whatever the hell that means). I am tired of reading the trash talking. I am sorry if I would rather have my daughter in smaller classes, with a yard to run in, and lots of fresh air, and extra curriculars, and *gasp* I can actually be close to my family!!

What I don't understand is why his friends feel that they have any say in our decisions for our family. I find it insulting to insinuate that he is a sellout because he is moving to the suburbs instead of staying in the city. I find it extremely insulting to read that my husband might as well not even still be living here because "having a baby" basically ends your life. How dare he!! For five years I have lived here, never insulted the people who live here simply because their city lifestyle is different from how I grew up (in the suburbs), and now I'm being villified because I would prefer to raise my child elsewhere. I have had enough. And rather than even be understanding about why I am feeling the way I am feeling, my husband takes their side. I am so frustrated that I could scream.

How is this affecting my weightloss? I don't want to eat. I am so disgusted that I have no appetite. I am so discouraged that anything I eat feels like lead weight in my stomach. One would think that basically being on hunger strike would be beneficial from weightloss, but I know how much damage I can do to my metabolism by not eating. I am hoping that by purging all of this, I am finally able to get somewhat of a handle on my emotions enough to go back to making healthy decisions.

Win Some, Lose Some

Ahhh, the weekend. It had its positive and negatives. Positives: I cooked on Friday and Saturday night. Sunday we had leftovers. There were no takeout nights, as there usually are on the weekends. Score one for me! During the Open House to sell our apartment on Sunday, we also got in a little extra exercise with a walk through the park. Despite the fact that I didn't track what I ate, I made relatively healthy decisions for my food, and did not binge like I usually do when I don't track.

Negatives: I did not track one thing, all weekend long. Not one minute of exercise, not one food, vitamin, glass of water. Usually, this would be a giant fail, but I surprised myself by keeping my eating under control. This was a major feat for me! I wish I could say that I made it through the entire weekend without eating one unhealthy thing, but that would be a lie. On Sunday, during the Open House, part of our time-killing strategy was to go get lunch. Hubs decided on Dunkin Donuts, since he had a gift card. Where we live, Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins go hand in hand. I managed to abstain from eating ice cream for lunch, and had egg whites on a flatbread instead. I am sure it was still not "health food," but it was the healthiest option there. How is this a negative? Because afterwards, we went to the park, where the ice cream man was parked, and I ended up getting ice cream!! Face palm! What the hell was I thinking??

Overall, I still consider the weekend a success. Weekends in the past have always been absolutely disastrous, and I spend the better part of Monday, Tuesday, and sometimes Wednesday trying to get back on track. I am happy to report that it is Monday, I've had my vitamin and my cereal, and I am good to go on the good choices for the rest of the day. PS: It's all been tracked as well :)

Win Some, Lose Some

Ahhh, the weekend. It had its positive and negatives. Positives: I cooked on Friday and Saturday night. Sunday we had leftovers. There were no takeout nights, as there usually are on the weekends. Score one for me! During the Open House to sell our apartment on Sunday, we also got in a little extra exercise with a walk through the park. Despite the fact that I didn't track what I ate, I made relatively healthy decisions for my food, and did not binge like I usually do when I don't track.

Negatives: I did not track one thing, all weekend long. Not one minute of exercise, not one food, vitamin, glass of water. Usually, this would be a giant fail, but I surprised myself by keeping my eating under control. This was a major feat for me! I wish I could say that I made it through the entire weekend without eating one unhealthy thing, but that would be a lie. On Sunday, during the Open House, part of our time-killing strategy was to go get lunch. Hubs decided on Dunkin Donuts, since he had a gift card. Where we live, Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins go hand in hand. I managed to abstain from eating ice cream for lunch, and had egg whites on a flatbread instead. I am sure it was still not "health food," but it was the healthiest option there. How is this a negative? Because afterwards, we went to the park, where the ice cream man was parked, and I ended up getting ice cream!! Face palm! What the hell was I thinking??

Overall, I still consider the weekend a success. Weekends in the past have always been absolutely disastrous, and I spend the better part of Monday, Tuesday, and sometimes Wednesday trying to get back on track. I am happy to report that it is Monday, I've had my vitamin and my cereal, and I am good to go on the good choices for the rest of the day. PS: It's all been tracked as well :)

Another Pound Bites the Dust

Take that baby fat! Ordinarily, I would be disappointed at "only" a pound coming off, but I have a new resolve to look at that pound as one pound that will never be back. Well, okay, being realistic, it will probably be back sometime during the cooking of any future babies, but it will not be back due to my poor habits. I feel like I read somewhere that you have to eat 3,500 calories to gain a pound of fat. I can't imagine consuming that many calories without doing something to burn some percentage of them off. I am not sure if there is any truth behind it, especially since I can't remember where in the world I read it, but if it helps me stay focused, I will just tell myself that it's true.

The past few weeks have seen quite a bit of success, having lost a little more than five pounds. Normally, I would see this as so much success that it would be permissible to stop trying, or at least ease up on myself "a little bit." Not this time. I am not allowing this little bit of progress to turn into one celebratory takeout night that ends up lasting the entire weekend, and then extends into next week. No, sir. If I want to continue to make progress, I cannot think of food as a reward or celebration. It is fuel, plain and simple. And there are plenty of ways to make it tasty without loading it with butter, oil, sugar, and God knows what else. I am feeling good today. Instead of looking forward to Chinese takeout to kick off the weekend, I am looking forward to baked chicken drumsticks and roasted red potatoes with garlic. That's Friday's dinner down, Saturday and Sunday to go. Let's keep it goin'!

Wanting to Expand As I Shrink

As I write my posts, both on Sparkpeople, and on here, I find myself wanting to find ways to spread the word about my blog. I am so excited about this renewed effort, and the seeming success that I have been having, that I want to share the story and the journey with as many people as possible. I feel that this time it is truly different, and although I can't put my finger on why that is the case, I am thanking God. All of the times I have gotten frustrated with myself, and thought, "What is wrong with me," seem to make sense now. Finally, finally, I decided to start this quest when I was actually ready.

I am in the very initial phases of my journey. It is far from over, but for the first time during my many attempts, I feel hopeful and excited. Usually by this point, about two or three weeks into recommitting, I have broken my resolve and fallen back into old patterns. If it, by some miracle, has not yet reached that point, then at the very least I have started to burn out. That is not the case this time, and I am thrilled. I continue to attack each day head-on. I truly believe that my daughter is the driving force behind this.

I look at her every day and just can't imagine missing out on a second of day with her. I want to get healthy. I need to be healthy for this gift that has been given to me. I do not want her to be the kid at the playground whose mom can't chase her around. I don't want anything less than the absolute best for her. It is about so much more than the outward appearance. I need to feel better, inside and out. I need to bring in groceries without running out of breath. I need to do the 30 Day Jump Start without feeling like I am going to die. Ten minutes of exercise should not be having that effect on a 28-year-old.

But everything is one step, one day at a time. I find that each day that I stick to it, I am actually a lot happier. I am, in fact, the key to my own happiness, and I am so grateful that I have finally gotten control over my own life. Time to start living.

I Used to Be Fat...

The title still makes me cringe, but I find myself fascinated by this show. I have a ton of admiration for the teens who take part. For those who are unfamiliar with the show, which airs on Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on MTV, it is based on the premise that overweight teens who want to lose weight dedicate a summer to losing a load of weight, while eating healthy and exercising rigorously. Often (if not always?), the challenge takes place the summer before these teens are set to begin college, suggesting that they use college as their fresh start. I can just imagine the dedication it takes to spend your last potential summer of relaxing with friends and being kids, instead focused on losing weight.

I do have to commend the efforts of both the teens and their trainers. The show is definitely less militant than The Biggest Loser, but I still watch and have to wonder how realistic of a path these teens are put on during the summer. These teens often do not work, do not seem to spend time with friends, and have no other responsibilities aside from focusing on losing weight (with the exception of one teen who I saw on the first season who worked). What I am always left wondering is, what happens when these kids go to college? Sure, they are training their brains to make healthier choices, but they are still away at college. Crappy food, for the most part, is unfortunately cheaper. They have also spent an entire summer, with the support of a trainer, focused on losing weight and nothing else. How do they maintain the eating, the workouts, and the determination when faced with the new challenge of living away from home for the first time, taking college courses, and building new friendships?

Maybe I am just not comprehending how they do this because I have just recently found my determination to lose this weight. I envy their willpower and ability to commit at such a young age. Here I sit, ten years older than this kids, and wish that I had decided to make the change when they did. Better late than never!

No Small Task!

I am so stinkin proud of myself right now, I can barely contain my excitement. For the first time in my life (at least that I can remember), I took a step back from my "in the moment" craving, and made the rational decision to not give in. This might not seem to be monumental, theoretically, but for me it is huge. Usually when I have a craving, there is a very minimal inner battle, and evil always triumphs. I will talk myself into giving in, convincing myself that, "I don't have time to make a healthier option," "it's okay, I'm stressed, I don't eat like this all the time," or the ever-popular, "I'll just start over tomorrow." Not today. Today, I took a step back, and rationalized.

I wanted spaghetti for lunch, and I found 1,001 reasons why it would be okay to have it. And to be honest, I knew I wouldn't stop at one portion. I'm Italian. Measuring spaghetti is not something that is common to me. At least not in the traditional sense of eating 1 cup of spaghetti. Usually, the serving size is a "plate-ful." Knowing that this would end up being the case again, I asked myself why I wanted spaghetti. Well, I needed energy, so the carbs would help with that. I have leftover meat sauce in the fridge. Tonight's dinner is homemade pizza, so I will get to have that later anyway. It is my go-to comfort food. And then I paused. What exactly do I need comfort food for today?? There is absolutely nothing stressful going on. It is a beautiful day. My one-year-old is in a great mood (a rarity these days- thanks teeth!), the house is clean. So why do I feel a need to eat to satisfy some sort of void? And why in the world did I ever consider that okay to begin with?

So the answers that I came up with to all of these questions: ENOUGH. Food does not define me. Food does not control me. It exists to fuel my body, and that is all. Just because it is in the fridge, pantry, vending machine, wherever it happens to be, does not mean I have to eat it. It has taken 28 years to come to this realization, and I must say, it feels absolutely amazing!! Food: 0, Denise-1!

Bye Bye Booze- originally posted 10/16/11

I was doing so well with blogging, and then came the weekend! In my defense, we had company basically all weekend, and it would have been rude to be on the computer, but in reality, I really didn't have much to say. Now as I find myself being tortured by my husband watching the Giants game (ugh, is it February yet??), I have some free time to write.

My eating this weekend wasn't catastrophic, but it wasn't 100% responsible either. I have found that when I have a drink or two, I tend to overeat. For some reason, I seem to justiyfy to myself that good wine (or fancy-mixed-cocktail on the menu) needs to be accompanied by "good" food. I put "good" in quotations because once I have that drink, my definition of the word "good" changes from my usual, level-headed defintion of good food as nutritious, to my old-college-days definition of good food as "tastes good because of all of the crap in it." I don't believe that this is even a result of alcohol influencing my judgment, as I usually order my first drink and my meal at the same time. Rather, I think it has a lot to do with that mentality of "kicking back" and having a drink, so in my mind, I don't have to be as responsible about my eating, either.

So my decision for today? Until my mind can wrap itself around how illogical this way of thinking is, alcohol is now off the table, too, regardless of the quantity. Disclaimer: this new rule entirely excludes Thanksgiving and Christmas, as those days are, and always will be a lost cause for logic standing any chance of getting in my way on my quest to the food and booze :)

Extremes- Originally posted 10/13/11

I have to admit that I am struggling a bit with extremes in regard to eating. I feel like when I am not tracking my food in some way, I am completely out of control, ignoring good choices, and eating straight garbage. However, when I follow a tracking program, whether it is when I was on Weight Watchers, or now with Sparkpeople, I obsess over every single calorie, gram of fat, and carb. It's like I don't want to "waste" my allowance throughout the day, or I fear that I will go over it too early and be hungry later. I don't know what it is, but I get inside my own head and end up not meeting my minimums.

Today I ate 748 calories! That is nowhere near enough, and yet I felt like I was eating all day. Looking back at my food log, it wasn't even 748 calories of healthy food. It wasn't necessarily unhealthy, but it was more bites of everything here and there, with a grand finale of a Smart Ones for dinner! What is wrong with me?? Why is it always one extreme or the other? I either eat to the point of feeling sick if I'm not tracking, or undereat by a landslide, if I am. I need to improve my relationship with food. I think that food and I need couples therapy, big time.

My First Sparkpeople Blog- 10/10/11

I have been on Sparkpeople for awhile, but have not been entirely consistent with tracking everything and staying accountable. I am hopeful that in deciding to blog, it will be a daily accountability report. I do not want to let potential readers know that I have failed; I would much rather have only good things to report. I also have a deep love of writing. It is cathartic for me. I am the type of person who bottles everything inside, until I overreact and explode in a big, messy ball of tears over something as simple as a broken nail. Writing has always helped me to manage my emotions in a way that is just a touch healthier than the method previously described. It is my release.

I will happily take the weight of the world on my shoulders, but never want to share my burdens with anyone. This more often than not leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. What do I usually do when I am overwhelmed? I eat. And I eat A LOT. I would not go so far as to say I have an eating disorder, but I absolutely, one hundred percent, have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am an emotional eater, and have been ever since my parents divorced, and as a four-year-old, I was given cookies, ice cream, and anything else laden with sugar to "make me feel better." This has to stop, and the only way for it to stop is to hold myself accountable. So why now?

There are many reasons for wanting to lose weight, but two that completely dominate my desire. The first reason is ridiculously superficial, shallow, and selfish. I have my ten year high school reunion coming up at the end of November. I went to a very small school, with the same peers from Kindergarten through senior year. For the majority of that time, I was overweight, and for a time, I was "the" fat girl. I want to look good for this reunion. I want to have something impressive to offer. Yes, I have graduate with both undergraduate and graduate degrees, but I currently stay home with my daughter. I have no real "job" outside of the house. I am so proud of my daughter, I can't even express it in words, and I am not even the least bit embarrassed to tell people that I stay home with her, but I don't want people to think that I am one of those people who just got married and then "let myself go."

If it wasn't this shallow reason though, I'm sure it would be another. I have had so many of these shallow goals, and never met any of them, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of it. It's always wanting to be skinny for an event. "I will lose weight for my wedding," "I need to look good in a bathing suit for this trip," blah, blah, blah. Enough is enough.

The other reason for wanting to lose weight is one that I pray will be the motivation that I need. My daughter just recently turned a year old, and I realized that the best gift that I can give her is a healthy mother. She was born 5 weeks early as a result of my being pre-eclamptic. With pre-eclampsia comes an increased risk of heart disease. My family has a history of obesity and heart disease, and coupled with the pre-eclampsia, this past year has scared the hell out of me. I need to take care of myself and make sure that my heart stays in good shape. My grandfather died in his 50s of a heart attack. I never met him. I want to watch my daughter get married, start her career, have babies. I need to be here for all of it, and if I neglect my health, that will not happen.

So my wish is that this blog is the beginning of commitment and accountability for me. Happy reading!

Come on in!!

Well, here we are, up and blogging! I started blogging on Sparkpeople and seemed to get a good response, so I thought that maybe I would take my journey global, so to speak. This blog is the chronical of my weight loss journey. Had I started writing when my journey began, there would probably be about eighteen years worth of posts to read. My weight loss struggle has been life-long. There are lots of things to 'fess up to just in this introduction alone. I am an emotional eater (soon to be reformed, God willing). I have been lazy and full of excuses about losing weight. I have tried every method under the sun to lose weight, both healthy and unhealthy. Yes, I have tried diet pills with much (temporary) success. I gained all of that back, plus some. I have had success with Weight Watchers, but can't bring myself to spend money on something for myself when we have overwhelming expenses that come along with raising a family. If money weren't so tight, then I would one thousand percent be following that path again. However, since we simply cannot afford it right now, I have had to resort to alternative methods, which (knock on wood) have been working great! Three websites have been absolute godsends for me in this newest and hopefully last "do-over" for weight loss.

First has been Sparkpeople. The tracking tools, spark points, and general support of the site have been wonderful. I actually enjoy tracking my food and exercise, earning spark points, and checking off each daily goal that I meet. The fact that the blog on the website has inspired me to start a blog on a larger scale speaks for itself, I believe. My favorite part, by far, has been the cost of the site. I am the bargain hunter of the century. I aspire to be like the extreme couponers. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I LOVE a great deal. The monthly cost for all of these wonderful tools? Zero dollars. No pesos! Zilch euros! It is absolutely free. Ya' can't beat that!

Another site that I absolutely love, love, love, and cannot say enough wonderful things about has been Skinnytaste! I have made a ton of recipes from this site and never, ever made one thing that wasn't completely delicious. I hosted an entire Christmas Eve for 15 people with recipes created by Gina, the genius behind this blog, and received more compliments than any other Christmas Eve that I had hosted. I should mention that I host every year. I love the use of fresh ingredients without many processed foods, and the incredible taste achieved in each recipe. In a word, scrumptious!

Finally, Emilybites...ooh, where do I begin? Although I am a bit newer to this blog than to Skinnytaste, I have an equal amount of love for these delicious recipes! I turn to this blog when I feel a need to be "bad," but don't want to regret my choices. There are so many of my personal comfort foods represented in Emily's cooking that I can often indulge my cravings without the "buyer's remorse," so to speak. There have been many times (most often during a certain week of the month) when Emily's recipes have prevented me from getting into my car and hitting a drive-thru so that I can get that sinful food tastiness. If I had to summarize Emily's blog, it would be the sinful taste, minus the calories.

In closing, I hope that in addition to serving as catharsis for me, my blog can inspire others to stay the course, whatever their individual course may be. I know how difficult weight loss is firsthand, and that it is undeniably a commitment to a lifestyle change that will produce the most effective and permanent results. If you're reading this, then just know that we are in this together.

Health & Happiness to all :)