Snow, Halloween, and a New-Found Love

Well, since the last post, there has been good, bad, and ugly. I always like to get the bad news out of the way first, so let me 'fess up. I faltered a little bit over this past weekend. I drank some calories (between soda and liquor), which I never allow myself to do. I didn't track. At all. I didn't exercise, at all. I ate fast food at a birthday party (yes, I am hanging my head in shame). I consider this a stumble, but not a fall. Why? Because I am back up and at it, with my resolve stronger than ever. And because it was really only one day that I was a horrible wretch, coupled with a few days when I was less than perfect.

The ugly? On Saturday, OCTOBER 29th, in the great city of New York, it snowed! This did not effect my weight loss journey, but I have to admit that the implication that we are in for a rough winter has shaken my psyche a bit. With our co-op on the market, I fear that people will be hesitant to really move during this winter, since such an early storm might indicate we are in for a rough one. Let me clarify by saying that I love our apartment. Truly, I do. We have decorated, and personalized, and built memories. This was our first home together. We've had Christmases here. We brought our daughter home from the hospital to this apartment.

But, let's be honest. We are two adults, a little doggie, and an ever-growing toddler. We have also outgrown. It makes me sad that I have to think of what to buy my daughter for Christmas in terms of what we have space for rather than what Santa and I feel she should have. What does any of this have to do with staying the course and losing weight? Well, frankly, everything and nothing all at the same time. The root of it is that it is affecting me emotionally, and I have quite the history of being an emotional eater. However, I think that I've found a new outlet, in addition to blogging, into which I can channel my feelings and energy.

Which brings us to the good: Kickboxing! Where have you been all my life??!? I have to say, I am not the girl who likes to work up a sweat. I cannot stand to feel sweat dripping anywhere. But, I On-Demanded (yes I just made a new verb) a kickboxing video a few days ago, on a whim, and I am hooked. Aside from being forever indebted to the On-Demand function, I don't understand how I have overlooked this exercise for so long. It's better than Zumba, and I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about anything besides sex and chocolate! I have been researching in the area, and came across a class that is advertised as 3 classes for $19.99, which seems a little too good to be true, given the fact that this is New York, but I will call tomorrow and find out for sure.

So, although I have been absent, for which I apologize, I am back, stronger than ever, and re-motivated, thanks to my new-found love. I hope all of your journeys continue to generally move forward, even if you have to take a tiny step back. Feel free to message me if you want to chat or bounce around ideas at denised519@aol.com

Some Technical Difficulties

Well this week has definitely not been the best. I was without Internet for a couple of days, stayed at my mother's which contributes to making bad choices, and have just been dealing with some stress in my personal life. Don't get me wrong, with the exception of Wednesday, which was just a cluster-eff of bad decisions, I stayed on the right path this week, even though I didn't track. I am not feeling discouraged about weight loss nearly as much as I am about other issues going on at the moment.

Our tiny 2-bedroom co-op has been on the market since July. We are expecting our first snow in southern New York this weekend, and I am feeling very, very down about the fact that we are still living here. We have no space here. I can't even fathom where a Christmas tree is going to go in this apartment, if the realtor even green lights one at all, seeing as it's a "personal touch," and God forbid we have any of those in the home that we're still living in. I'm just sick to death of living here. We have no room for anything, I can't get my daughter anything substantial for Christmas, because there is nowhere to put it. Currently, we are in an outerborough of New York City. We are looking to move twenty minutes north to the suburbs. Ever since we made this decision, I have signed onto Facebook countless times to see my husband's friends trash-talking about how I am dragging him to a "foreign land," away from his friends, and turning him into a "herb" (whatever the hell that means). I am tired of reading the trash talking. I am sorry if I would rather have my daughter in smaller classes, with a yard to run in, and lots of fresh air, and extra curriculars, and *gasp* I can actually be close to my family!!

What I don't understand is why his friends feel that they have any say in our decisions for our family. I find it insulting to insinuate that he is a sellout because he is moving to the suburbs instead of staying in the city. I find it extremely insulting to read that my husband might as well not even still be living here because "having a baby" basically ends your life. How dare he!! For five years I have lived here, never insulted the people who live here simply because their city lifestyle is different from how I grew up (in the suburbs), and now I'm being villified because I would prefer to raise my child elsewhere. I have had enough. And rather than even be understanding about why I am feeling the way I am feeling, my husband takes their side. I am so frustrated that I could scream.

How is this affecting my weightloss? I don't want to eat. I am so disgusted that I have no appetite. I am so discouraged that anything I eat feels like lead weight in my stomach. One would think that basically being on hunger strike would be beneficial from weightloss, but I know how much damage I can do to my metabolism by not eating. I am hoping that by purging all of this, I am finally able to get somewhat of a handle on my emotions enough to go back to making healthy decisions.

Win Some, Lose Some

Ahhh, the weekend. It had its positive and negatives. Positives: I cooked on Friday and Saturday night. Sunday we had leftovers. There were no takeout nights, as there usually are on the weekends. Score one for me! During the Open House to sell our apartment on Sunday, we also got in a little extra exercise with a walk through the park. Despite the fact that I didn't track what I ate, I made relatively healthy decisions for my food, and did not binge like I usually do when I don't track.

Negatives: I did not track one thing, all weekend long. Not one minute of exercise, not one food, vitamin, glass of water. Usually, this would be a giant fail, but I surprised myself by keeping my eating under control. This was a major feat for me! I wish I could say that I made it through the entire weekend without eating one unhealthy thing, but that would be a lie. On Sunday, during the Open House, part of our time-killing strategy was to go get lunch. Hubs decided on Dunkin Donuts, since he had a gift card. Where we live, Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins go hand in hand. I managed to abstain from eating ice cream for lunch, and had egg whites on a flatbread instead. I am sure it was still not "health food," but it was the healthiest option there. How is this a negative? Because afterwards, we went to the park, where the ice cream man was parked, and I ended up getting ice cream!! Face palm! What the hell was I thinking??

Overall, I still consider the weekend a success. Weekends in the past have always been absolutely disastrous, and I spend the better part of Monday, Tuesday, and sometimes Wednesday trying to get back on track. I am happy to report that it is Monday, I've had my vitamin and my cereal, and I am good to go on the good choices for the rest of the day. PS: It's all been tracked as well :)

Win Some, Lose Some

Ahhh, the weekend. It had its positive and negatives. Positives: I cooked on Friday and Saturday night. Sunday we had leftovers. There were no takeout nights, as there usually are on the weekends. Score one for me! During the Open House to sell our apartment on Sunday, we also got in a little extra exercise with a walk through the park. Despite the fact that I didn't track what I ate, I made relatively healthy decisions for my food, and did not binge like I usually do when I don't track.

Negatives: I did not track one thing, all weekend long. Not one minute of exercise, not one food, vitamin, glass of water. Usually, this would be a giant fail, but I surprised myself by keeping my eating under control. This was a major feat for me! I wish I could say that I made it through the entire weekend without eating one unhealthy thing, but that would be a lie. On Sunday, during the Open House, part of our time-killing strategy was to go get lunch. Hubs decided on Dunkin Donuts, since he had a gift card. Where we live, Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins go hand in hand. I managed to abstain from eating ice cream for lunch, and had egg whites on a flatbread instead. I am sure it was still not "health food," but it was the healthiest option there. How is this a negative? Because afterwards, we went to the park, where the ice cream man was parked, and I ended up getting ice cream!! Face palm! What the hell was I thinking??

Overall, I still consider the weekend a success. Weekends in the past have always been absolutely disastrous, and I spend the better part of Monday, Tuesday, and sometimes Wednesday trying to get back on track. I am happy to report that it is Monday, I've had my vitamin and my cereal, and I am good to go on the good choices for the rest of the day. PS: It's all been tracked as well :)

Another Pound Bites the Dust

Take that baby fat! Ordinarily, I would be disappointed at "only" a pound coming off, but I have a new resolve to look at that pound as one pound that will never be back. Well, okay, being realistic, it will probably be back sometime during the cooking of any future babies, but it will not be back due to my poor habits. I feel like I read somewhere that you have to eat 3,500 calories to gain a pound of fat. I can't imagine consuming that many calories without doing something to burn some percentage of them off. I am not sure if there is any truth behind it, especially since I can't remember where in the world I read it, but if it helps me stay focused, I will just tell myself that it's true.

The past few weeks have seen quite a bit of success, having lost a little more than five pounds. Normally, I would see this as so much success that it would be permissible to stop trying, or at least ease up on myself "a little bit." Not this time. I am not allowing this little bit of progress to turn into one celebratory takeout night that ends up lasting the entire weekend, and then extends into next week. No, sir. If I want to continue to make progress, I cannot think of food as a reward or celebration. It is fuel, plain and simple. And there are plenty of ways to make it tasty without loading it with butter, oil, sugar, and God knows what else. I am feeling good today. Instead of looking forward to Chinese takeout to kick off the weekend, I am looking forward to baked chicken drumsticks and roasted red potatoes with garlic. That's Friday's dinner down, Saturday and Sunday to go. Let's keep it goin'!

Wanting to Expand As I Shrink

As I write my posts, both on Sparkpeople, and on here, I find myself wanting to find ways to spread the word about my blog. I am so excited about this renewed effort, and the seeming success that I have been having, that I want to share the story and the journey with as many people as possible. I feel that this time it is truly different, and although I can't put my finger on why that is the case, I am thanking God. All of the times I have gotten frustrated with myself, and thought, "What is wrong with me," seem to make sense now. Finally, finally, I decided to start this quest when I was actually ready.

I am in the very initial phases of my journey. It is far from over, but for the first time during my many attempts, I feel hopeful and excited. Usually by this point, about two or three weeks into recommitting, I have broken my resolve and fallen back into old patterns. If it, by some miracle, has not yet reached that point, then at the very least I have started to burn out. That is not the case this time, and I am thrilled. I continue to attack each day head-on. I truly believe that my daughter is the driving force behind this.

I look at her every day and just can't imagine missing out on a second of day with her. I want to get healthy. I need to be healthy for this gift that has been given to me. I do not want her to be the kid at the playground whose mom can't chase her around. I don't want anything less than the absolute best for her. It is about so much more than the outward appearance. I need to feel better, inside and out. I need to bring in groceries without running out of breath. I need to do the 30 Day Jump Start without feeling like I am going to die. Ten minutes of exercise should not be having that effect on a 28-year-old.

But everything is one step, one day at a time. I find that each day that I stick to it, I am actually a lot happier. I am, in fact, the key to my own happiness, and I am so grateful that I have finally gotten control over my own life. Time to start living.

I Used to Be Fat...

The title still makes me cringe, but I find myself fascinated by this show. I have a ton of admiration for the teens who take part. For those who are unfamiliar with the show, which airs on Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on MTV, it is based on the premise that overweight teens who want to lose weight dedicate a summer to losing a load of weight, while eating healthy and exercising rigorously. Often (if not always?), the challenge takes place the summer before these teens are set to begin college, suggesting that they use college as their fresh start. I can just imagine the dedication it takes to spend your last potential summer of relaxing with friends and being kids, instead focused on losing weight.

I do have to commend the efforts of both the teens and their trainers. The show is definitely less militant than The Biggest Loser, but I still watch and have to wonder how realistic of a path these teens are put on during the summer. These teens often do not work, do not seem to spend time with friends, and have no other responsibilities aside from focusing on losing weight (with the exception of one teen who I saw on the first season who worked). What I am always left wondering is, what happens when these kids go to college? Sure, they are training their brains to make healthier choices, but they are still away at college. Crappy food, for the most part, is unfortunately cheaper. They have also spent an entire summer, with the support of a trainer, focused on losing weight and nothing else. How do they maintain the eating, the workouts, and the determination when faced with the new challenge of living away from home for the first time, taking college courses, and building new friendships?

Maybe I am just not comprehending how they do this because I have just recently found my determination to lose this weight. I envy their willpower and ability to commit at such a young age. Here I sit, ten years older than this kids, and wish that I had decided to make the change when they did. Better late than never!